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Finding Roots in Anchorage

It's no secret that I have been feeling extremely disconnected to everything around me. My disconnect used to be somewhat indifferent, and yet now I find the things I can't relate to anymore completely exhausting. For some time now I have been yearning to get out of silly little Utah county-- nay, the entire state-- and go on an adventure of my own.

Alaska seems the most appealing opportunity-- a land as desolate and foreign as most of the content in my brain, however there seems to be that one major problem that keeps me from getting to where I want to be : money.

As of late I find that my irritability with the people I have befriended/went to high school with/ex-boyfriends, etc. are at an all-time high.

Is it possible to remove myself; leave everything behind that I know, and plant my roots in a cold world?

This week Kiersten is loving...

1-Birthdays. I am one year older and none the wiser. Go figure.
2-A fun and successful photo shoot. This week Kelly and I got together with a guy I went to high school with and had a fun portfolio-building photo shoot set in the mountains. It was such a fun experience, and the pictures turned out really well!
3-Dates with my ladies. This week I got plenty of dinner-and-a-drink dates with my favorite girls: Macaroni Grill with Karli for my birthday (LOVE the 3 berry Tirramisu), Chili's with Jennica just for fun (I highly recommend the blackberry iced tea), and I'm so looking forward to yummy limeades from Sonic tonight with Carissa, Rachael, and of course baby Oakley!
4-Steaming hot baths. I bought the Eucalyptus and Spearmint bath soak from Bath & Body Works on Saturday and I've already used it twice. It smells amazing, and makes my skin feel so soft and glowy.
5-American Fork Canyon & The Alpine Loop. How lucky am I that I live smack-dab in the middle of two gorgeous canyons? Only a few trees here and there are starting to change colors, but I feel like a very lucky lady to be able to have these gorgeous places at my disposal: camping, hiking, meditating, or even just a relaxing drive to take my mind off the everyday hustle and bustle.

A Letter to Dylan

This time last year, I had an amazing dream.

Driving around in the old Buick, it was a hot summer afternoon so John and I had the windows rolled down. We were driving aimlessly, listening to our music and trying to find a way to pass the time.
We passed a baseball diamond where a little league team was playing their championship game. We smiled at each other and thought, what better way to spend an afternoon than watching adorable kids play ball in a park.
We quickly were drawn to one team-- and one little boy in particular. We cheered for him, not knowing his name or even the name of his team. We just wanted him to win. We went crazy when he scored a homerun, and he glanced over at his unexpected fans from time to time with a big grin that said "Didja see that!?"
When the game ended the little boy ran up to us. Even though it was a dream I had a year ago, I remember his little face vividly. If there ever was a child that was a perfect combination of both myself as kid and John, it was this little boy. John scooped him up under his arms. "How did you get so talented, Dylan?" he asked dotingly.
This beautiful child, with John's radiant eyes and my toothy smile beamed back at his father and said "I did two whole home runs, didja see?" He geared those eyes back at me and I realized that this was my child. Someday, at some point in my life, this little eager baby will be mine. It may sound crazy to you. For me, it's a blessing.
I have since had dreams of Dylan, although every time Dylan has appeared as a girl. I have a strong feeling that I have a daughter out there, already named and special and perfect for me. Tonight I have been feeling down and lonely. My only outlet is to write, and for that I am grateful because it led me to come up with this letter, written for my future child, whether it be a boy or girl, but definitely my Dylan.





My dearest Dylan
As your mother I can imagine lying to you will be impossible. I hope you forgive me for my imperfections. Remember that I am human and I am eternally sorry that the consequences of my potential mistakes can and probably will effect you. But knowing that you are out there, with a future, a life, a family, career, and friends, I feel I owe you the truth.
The truth is that not every story has a happy ending. Please don't think I mean to say that love stories and fairy tales are lies. They are not. But heartache, like the inevitable evil stepmother or terrifying dragon, is real to your story. If there was one thing I could protect you against and nothing else, it would be this.
Where I am in my life is single and lonely and most especially heartbroken. But it hasn't always been this way so I can imagine that it probably won't always be. You will hate hearing it, as I have too, but what they say really is true; "This too shall pass."
My heart would never have felt or appreciated grief if it had never felt love. I realize that is a hard concept to grasp: appreciating grief. I do not fully understand it, and it has taken all 19 years of my life to come to terms with it. But I never could have learned my faults and how to change them if I hadn't made mistakes. All good things must come to an end. Don't you ever misunderstand this statement either. This does not imply that happiness ends, or the hope of finding it. It is one of the only things another person can never take away from you.
Sometimes good things must give way for great.
I am young. I am too young to be your mother, and I am too young to be a teacher. But I hope you will experience life for yourself with these words as your guidelines. Make mistakes. Do. I cannot imagine where I would be without mine. But be selfless. Be patient. Think on pain you've felt the next time there is the urge to judge another. Has he felt that same pain?

Lay on the pavement when it rains. It will teach you humility. Kiss on the mouth with your eyes open. It will teach you balance. Seek to understand others, it will teach you marvelous things about yourself.
Never hesitate to weep when you feel inclined. Every human being is allowed to feel and express their sorrow. Teach everyone you know the importance of a real hug.
I can promise you that you will never need drugs to poison your veins if you can learn to appreciate music and people and let them fill you.
I can promise you that other's stories will help teach you far more than you could ever hope to learn in school.
Take nothing for granted. Take millions of pictures. Tell someone you love them when you feel it (I love you, Dylan). Feel regret and its importance and then leave it behind forever.
But most importantly, know that I love you. If I wind up dead, or crazy, embarrassing, normal, or unbelievably cool I will always love you. But I had to learn how to. So will you. My only responsibility as your mother is to teach you that.

With all the bits of my silly little heart, your adoring mother,

Kiersten

The Good Ol' Minolta

Paint it Black

Megan loaned me a book a couple of days ago called "Paint it Black" by Janet Fitch, the same author as "White Oleander" (which I loved!). I wanted to remember this exerpt from the book because I thought it was perfect.


"She liked Callie, though, the way her body challenged the students' ideal of beauty, its elongated breasts and the weals of multiple pregnancies. Josie appreciated that courage. At first, she'd thought, if she ever looked like that, she would disappear into the house and never come out, make love with the lights off. How had she ever been so ignorant? How right that the body changed over time, becoming a gallery of scars, a canvas of experience, a testament to life and one's capacity to endure it."

100 Random Facts about Kiersten Elyse Tenney

1. I was born in San Diego, California in Mercy Hospital.
2. I have been to 4 foreign countries
3. I have been to 17 of the US States
4. My favorite sushi is Eel sushi
5. My first kitten had 7 names- Max Todd Aladdin Timmy Martin Marcus Kyle
6. My favorite movies growing up included The Dark Crystal, Goonies, The Secret of Nymh, and Chipmunk Adventure.
7. I have performed in the Swarovski Crystal Museum and received a standing ovation from the Mayor of Salzburg.
   
8. I performed as first chair cellist in Carnegie Hall in New York City with the Utah Valley Youth Symphony Philharmonic Orchestra
   
9. I am striving to become a true transcendentalist
10. I have read almost half of the Harvard Classics
11. I'm a (very) amateur photographer
12. I was nominated for the Sterling Scholar award in 11th grade
13. I was invited to Elite Modeling Agency's open call at the Hilton in Salt Lake City, but was ultimately not picked because of my short hair
14. I was a member of USPC Mountain Paradise Pony Club
    
15. My top 3 favorite westerns are Tombstone, 3:10 to Yuma, and Silverado
16. My top 3 favorite movies of all time are The Fountain, Into the Wild, and Much Ado about Nothing
17. My favorite authors are Henry David Thoreau, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Sylvia Plath.
    
18. English was my best subject in school (obvious?)
19. I've had goats, chickens, cats, dogs, horses, fish, and a horny toad me and Kelly rescued camping in Bryce Canyon as pets growing up.
    
20. I've snorkeled with sharks and sea lions with my dad in Southern California.
21. Of all the places I have been, Berkeley, California is my favorite.
22. The book that has had the most influence on me is Walden by Henry David Thoreau.
23. My favorite pair of shoes are beat up yellow sneakers I paid four dollars for at Deseret Industries.
24. My favorite flowers are tiger lilies.
25. My favorite smells include (but are not limited to) rain on the hot cement, lilacs, and John Carden's deodorant.
26. I've performed and recorded music for cartoons at Disneyland.
27. My most prized possession is a letter.
28. I have a fleck of brown in my blue eyes, which aren't blue when I'm crying- they're bright green.
29. I love bouldering, although I don't do it well.
30. On that note, I'm terrified of heights.
31. I wrote my first fantasy story when I was in second grade.
32. John Hexemer Carden is my first love.
33. I can type up to 110 wpm (I'm not sure if that's something to be proud of)
34. I took 6 years of Spanish in elementary school and 3 years of German in junior high.
35. My favorite restaurant is Nati's Mexican Restaurant in Ocean Beach, California.
36. If I could pick the last meal I ate on earth, it would be either my dad's tacos or his pot roast & mashed potatoes.
37. If I could go on a date with any celebrity, I'd be torn between Christian Bale and Emile Hirsch.
38. Uma Thurman in Kill Bill is my hero.
39. I'm the definition of a euro-mutt... I'm partly everything from Norwegian to Scottish to French to English to German to even Native American.
    
40. I'm completely convinced that 9-11 was a conspiracy planted by the American Government,
41. And on that note, I love Michael Moore.
42. When I was little I wanted to grow up to become a mermaid or a pirate or an Egyptian.
    
43. I won the school spelling bee in 6th grade.
44. I like my sense of style.
45. I have a good and sincere heart.
46. I am extremely sensitive and I cry at.. well let's be honest, pretty much anything.
47. I feel most inspired by music.
48. I have perfect back-scratching nails.
49. I am the epitome of an old soul in a new body.
50. I have saved almost all of my fortunes from fortune cookies and tape the best ones into my planner.
51. I also have my own deck of Tarot Cards
52. I'm obsessed with Henna tattoos
    
53. I definitely had imaginary friends, including a werewolf named Matt that lived under my bed to protect me.
54. I can actually say that I love my job.
55. I collect swimming suits.
    
56. I have to sleep with a fan on.
57. Natalie Marie Martella has been my best friend since we played on the beach together at age 5. She always will be.
    
58. I can't sing to save my life.
59. My favorite color is green.
60. If I could live anywhere it would be in the northwest. Portland, Seattle, maybe even San Francisco.
61. I over-analyze everything.
62. My childhood nickname is/was "the babe" (my sisters still call me that)
63. I can never get enough to read.
64. Summer and Fall are my favorite seasons.
65. In all the years that I've lived in Utah, I have never (and I never will) go snowboarding or skiing. I absolutely detest the snow.
66. I secretly wish I was a vampire.
67. And for the record: I HATED TWILIGHT.
68. My guilty pleasures are avocado & honey on toast and the O.C.
69. If I had it my way all streets would be cobblestone.
70. My biggest fear is being alone.
71. I'm terrified of spiders, but I love snakes.
72. My favorite way to relax is in a big jetted tub.
73. Between a backscratch or a massage? Definitely a back scratch.
74. I'm horribly ticklish.
    
75. I'm a classic girl, I like my men tall, dark, and handsome. No blonds, please.
76. My favorite Bond movie is a toss-up between Goldeneye and (the new) Casino Royale.
77. Wayne's World is my all-time favorite comedy.
78. My favorite drink is an ice cold coke in a glass bottle.
79. I love public speaking.
80. I placed in the top 10 at state debate with my Public Forum partner, Bailee Nebeker.
    
81. My favorite high school teachers were Ms. Sanderson and Mr. Dean.
    
82. I take scalding hot showers & I wash my hair with tree sap & moss.
83. I can't go anywhere without my iPod.
84. I have witnessed God's miracle of creation during late nights of stargazing.
    
85. My starbucks order: tall chai tea latte with soymilk.
86. I still sleep with a stuffed animal: a little white tiger named John from the Hogle Zoo.
87. Wes Anderson is my favorite director, and his best picture was The Royal Tenenbaums.
88. My top 3 concerts would be Incubus, Iron & Wine, and U2
    
89. My favorite gemstone is my birthstone, Peridot.
90. Of all the political issues, if I had the power to change just one, I would save the rainforest.
91. I'm a firm believer in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and my favorite books of the bible are Psalms and Proverbs.
92. Three things I would like to accomplish before I die: marry the love of my life, travel to India, and make a profound difference in someone else's life.
93. If I were to get a tattoo, I would get a tree (representing the tree of life) over my heart.
94. My favorite Batman is Batman Begins. My favorite Indiana Jones is The Temple of Doom. My favorite Star Wars is The Return of the Jedi.
95. I strive to find beauty and goodness in all things.
96. I am right brained, right handed, but my political views lean far to the left.
    
97. My favorite Beatles song is "I've Just Seen A Face" and my favorite Beatle is George.
98. It's not debatable that I have the cutest nephew, the sweetest sisters, the wisest father, and the prettiest mom.
99. My junior high nickname was "Legs"
100. If I had to pick one person, living or dead, that I admire the most it would be the handsome boy that I love with all my heart, John Hexemer Carden.
     
101.